Campfire Conversations

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HEY, HOLD UP! There's SPOILERS down there, if you want to avoid them scroll until the next orange box.
Even a hint master shouldn't know the future.

Campfire Conversations are a mechanic introduced in the Definitive Edition of LISA: THE PAINFUL. As the name suggests, they are conversations between party members that can occure while sleeping at campfires.

Even if these conversations occur, random events that happen when waking up might still take place.

Conditions[]

Any given conversation can only occur if the given party members are recruited. Campfire conversations do not happen in "safe" campfires, like the first one in the Area 1/2 Transition.

List of conversations[]

Note: since the conversations are random, they will be listed in no particular order.

Bo's conversation[]

[Bo tries to play his brother's song with his guitar, unsuccesfully.]
Bo: ...
Bo: Dammit, Henry, I can't get it right!
Bo: How did you make it sound so effortless?
[Bo tries to play the song agin, with the same result.]
Bo: I don't know what I'm doing, I can't do this without you.
...
Bo: You had all the talent, I was just happy to tag along.
Bo: I miss you, man.
Bo: I'm not giving up...
Bo: I'd do... ...anything... to hear you play again.
[Bo tries playing the song a final time.]

Brad and Olan's conversations[]

(These conversations only happen if Brad has taken Joy one to two times in-game).

First conversation[]

[Brad and Olan sitting, with some bottles strewn around them]
Olan: No shit?
Olan: I was born and raised in Olathe as well.
Olan: Imagine that.
Olan: So... you got any family still around?
Brad: ...
Olan: It's okay. I wasn't much of a family man myself.
Olan: Wasn't cut out for it no matter how much I tried.
Olan: Only thing I was good at was drinking...
Olan: ...But lately not even that does the trick anymore.
Olan: In fact... don't tell anyone, but I think it's started to affect my aim... breaks my heart.
Olan: Without archery, I'm truly a nobody.
[Brad lowers his head, then raises it]
Brad: ...
Brad: Try this. it's much more powerful than alcohol.
[Brad gives Olan a Joy pill]
Brad: You feel it in your head more than your body.
Brad: But... it will give you the strength and physical ability we are going to need for the coming battles.
Brad: It could be helpful.
Olan: Hmmm...
Olan: ...alright.
Olan: Sure, why not?
Olan: You seem healthy enough.
[Olan takes the Joy pill]
Olan: Thanks, pal. Guess I owe you one.

Second conversation[]

This conversation happens randomly while sleeping after the first one.

Olan: Wake up, dad.
Olan: Listen to me.
[Brad wakes up and looks at Olan.]
Olan: You wanna be a big dad?
Olan: you wanna be a family man?
Olan: Ha.
Olan: No no.
Olan: No sir.
Olan: My girls.
[Brad gets up]
Olan: ...
Olan: My three special girls...
Olan: My pride and joy.
Olan: I did nothing for them.
Olan: I was a stranger in my own home.
Olan: Even when i was there.
Olan: I wasn't really there.
Olan: ...
Olan: I..
Olan: I loved my garage.
Olan: ...
Olan: Brado.
Olan: Give up on the girl.
Olan: You don't need her.
Olan: She really doesn't need you, they never do.
Olan: It's a good thing I ran out on my family.
Olan: My good daughter.
Olan: She was a money-making machine.
Olan: She works so hard...
Olan: Other daughter... ...is so...
Olan: ...creative.
Olan: She dances and makes little doodles for a living.
Olan: My wife--
Olan: Ex wife.
Olan: She...
Olan: ...
Olan: Well.
[Olan looks up, then starts crying.]
Olan: You see?
Olan: They don't fucking need us, bud.
[Olan stops crying mid-sentence.]
Olan: Nobody needs us.
Olan: ...
Olan: Come spend time with me in my garage!
Brad: ...
Brad: Maybe you've had too much to drink.
Olan: Hahahaha.
Olan: No no no sir.
Olan: The liquor has NEVER been a problem.
Olan: Never.
Olan: I don't have problems, Brado.
Olan (looking up): I feel so good it HURTS!
Olan: Who cares if they don't need me.
Olan: Who cares if ANYONE needs me now!
Olan: I feel like I've got the whole world in my hands!
Olan: I got the joy!
Olan (lowering his head): Hahaha, remember?
Brad: ...
Olan: You helped me.
Olan: You saved me, Bud!
Olan: Thank you.
Olan: Hahaha...
Olan: I still owe you.
Brad: Let's just...
Brad: get some rest.
Olan: Haha.
[Brad lies down.]
Olan: Oh...
Olan: Okay, Dad.
[Olan looks up and starts crying, smiling.]
[The next morning, only Olan's hat is seen. Interacting with it gives the message "No sign of him..."]
[Going back to the Aurora Town bar where Olan was first encountered, he can be seen on the roof, in his previously unused Joy Mutant form. This removes Olan from the party.]

Percy, Fardy and Ollie's conversation[]

(This conversation happens with Birdie in the background).

Ollie: Brad's helped me a bit with my businesses, but it's not nearly enough.
Percy: One time-
Ollie: Who am I kidding fellas, it's hopeless.
Ollie: Olli's about to run out of his last nickel.
Percy: Shucks.
Percy: Reminds me of this one time-
Fardy: Don't get me started!
Fardy: I show so much trust.
Fardy: I'm always willing to give people a chance, even scary people!
Fardy: And I always get screwed!
Percy: Oh, sugar me. I'm having flashbacks.
Percy: This one time-
Ollie: OH! You know who else can't catch a break?
Ollie: That Shock-lard fella.
Percy: Shocklord.
Ollie: I heard he hasn't had a single match...
Ollie: ...where he didn't fall flat on his face!
Percy: Actually, Brad and Shocklord won the Tag Title-
Fardy: Now hold on. Shockmart and Brad won the damn Tag belts not too long ago!
Fardy: He's no longer a failure...
Ollie: Dang...
Percy: I had a match in the EWC once.
Percy: Against the Death Queen...
Percy: I was about to win, but my stomach cramps-
Fardy: Terry!Now there's a fuck up!
Ollie: The hint fella? I agree completely!
Ollie: What's the deal with the hints he leaves everywhere?
Ollie: Does he think that stuff actually helps anyone?!
Fardy: I puprosely go out of my way to tear down every stupid hint I see.
Percy: Yeah... but...
Percy: Those hints do make good squatting papers.
Ollie: Heheheh.
Fardy: Hohoho.
Percy: Hahaha.
Ollie: Well said, fella...
Ollie: Say, what's your name again?
Percy: Per-
Fardy: Fardy.
Fardy: ...
Fardy: And who are you again?
Percy: Percy Mon-
Ollie: Ollie Olive Nickels is the name!
Percy: And my name is-
Percy: Ooooh.
Percy: Not again.
Percy: I gotta go!
[Percy leaves to relieve himself.]
[Cuts to black.]
Fardy: Who was that guy?
Ollie: I dunno, but he was annoying...
Fardy: Heh heh. That gives me an idea...
[Fardy and Ollie start to drive Fardy's truck around Percy while he tries to relieve himself.]

Garth and Jack's conversation[]

[Jack is seen reading next to the campfire. Garth walks towards him.]
Garth: Ridiculous.
Jack: AH!!
Garth: Amateurish, really.
Jack: Wha- what are you talking about?
Garth: ...
Garth: This is not art, young boy.
Garth: This is cheap filth.
Jack: You mean these ladies in the magazine?
Jack: I dunno.
Jack: ...they seem kinda nice to me...
Garth: WHAT DO YOU KNOW!?
Jack: AH!!
Garth: Have you ever seen a naked woman in real life?
Garth: With all of her FLESHY parts hanging bare!?
JacK: Uhh...
Jack: No.
Jack: I mean, I was a baby when the Flash happened...
Jack: So I've never seen any kind of... woman... in real life.
Garth: GOOD!
Garth: And you never shall!
Jack: What?!
Jack: But what about the girl we're after!?
Garth: Forget her!
Garth: You won't need her or anyone else where I'm fixing to take you!
Garth: ...oh my...
Garth: Hmmm.
Garth: You see that girl there with the brunette hair?
Jack: What's "brunette" mean?
Garth: This girl here.
Garth: Get a good look...
Garth: Then behold...
Garth: With the powers of some modest graphite...
[Garth starts drawing quickly)
Garth: Done.
[Garth shows the drawing to Jack]
Jack: Huh...
Jack: It's the same girl but...
Jack: Different.
Jack: She's... So big, but so small...
Jack: And... who's that other girl?
Jack: And that guy with the big muscles?!
Jack: WOW!
Jack: ...and...
Jack: What are those slimy rope things grabbing everybody's... parts?
Jack: It's all so... so...
Jack: I don't even know how it makes me feel.
Garth: Hahaha!
Garth: That's EXACLTY what I intended!
Garth: This is my world!
Garth: I control what they want, what they need, what they feel!
Garth: I control every inch of their bodies...
[It starts raining.]
Garth: Heh heh heh.
Garth: You have so much to learn. So much to experience.
Garth: I cannot wait to crush your innocence.

(After this, brad wakes up with the following message "It feels like some of your magazines are missing...", next to the campfire you can get 5 magz withe the message "you got 5 magz" "these looks like they've seen a lot of use...")

Brad and Terry's conversation[]

(This scene only occurs in the Area 3 Crossroads campfire.)

Brad: Terry.
Brad: Can I ask you something?
Terry: ...
Terry: Seriously?
Terry: You've never asked me anything, Why ask me?
Brad: Aren't you the... lord of help?
Brad: Or hints?
Terry: I...
Terry: Right...
Terry: Of course I am!
Brad: I've had something on my mind for a while now, but...
Brad: I don't know who I can trust.
Terry: Oh Brad...
Terry: What do you wanna know?
Brad: Well-
Brad: Here it goes...
Brad: About Buddy... Am I...
Brad: ...wrong?
Terry: Wrong?
Terry: About what exactly?
Brad: It's just, in the past...
Brad: I've always tried to turn my pain into something positive-
Brad: -but no matter how hard I try to help myself and others, This...
Brad: ...darkness always follows me.
Brad: In the end I've hurt a lot of people.
Brad: I never did it on purpose, but I've ruined lives...
Brad: ...and now it feels like I'm doing it all over again chasing Buddy.
Terry: I see...
Terry: Uh...
Terry: Wow, ya.
Terry: I dunno.
Brad: Hm...
Brad: Maybe I shouldn't have said anything.
Terry: No no!
Terry: I'm just surprised.
Terry: I wasn't expecting all that from you.
Terry: If I'm honest... i never had friends. Or any family I care to talk about.
Terry: Hard to believe, but I was very shy and lonely.
Terry: I wanted more than anything to connect, though.
Terry: I wanted people to like me... ...actually it's more than that.
Terry: I wanted to feel needed. I needed purpose!
Terry: Ultimately, that became an obsession.
Terry: I tried so hard to fit in and that pushed everyone I liked away.
Terry: Except you.
Terry: I'm my authentic self around you... ...and I don't know why, but somehow you don't hate me...
Terry: And that kind of blows my mind.
Terry: On top of that now you're confiding in me something so personal I just--
Brad: Oh no.
Brad: Please don't do that.
Terry: I'm sorry Brad!
Terry: Hahaha, you just have no idea how you've made me feel!
Terry: I can't help it!
Terry: ...
Terry: And dammit, Brad! You're like the coolest strongest guy I know!
Terry: Not to mention you can be kinda sweet when you want to...
Terry: I think deep down you have a good heart.
Terry: So just try to listen to it more.
Terry: ...
Terry: Here's a hint.
Brad: Hmm?
Terry: Do you know when your heart cries out the loudest?
Brad: No.
[Terry hugs Brad]
Terry: When you can barely hear it because all the chaos in your head is fighting against it.
Brad: Now I... REALLY regret saying anything...
Terry: Hahaha!
[The scene pans upward, showing a vision of Lisa on top of the cliffs.]
[The vision disappears. The screen continues to scroll upwards. A bird is seen flying.]
[Continuing upwards, the screen starts turning black, and this message appears.]
Terry: Just promise me, Brad.
Terry: Don't turn into a monster like everyone else.

Queen Roger and Brad's conversation[]

Queen Roger: Bald, yes.
Queen Roger: Fat? Sure... but solid.
Queen Roger: I see some muscle hiding under there.
Queen Roger: Like those EWC fellas!
Queen Roger: And your chest...
Queen Roger: Hmm...
Queen Roger: ... I gotta say... For an uptight fat-fuck nippleless tit head.
[Queen Roger points at Brad]
Queen Roger: You're kinda cute.
Queen Roger: ...
Queen Roger: I dunno.
Queen Roger: Something about ya.
[Brad looks down]
Brad: Oh...
[Looks up at Queen Roger]
Brad: Okay.
Queen Roger: Yuuuup.
Queen Roger: I bet you were quite the catch when you were younger.
Queen Roger: You get a lot of tail back in the day?
Brad: Umm...
Queen Roger: I don't mean just tickles and whispers.
[Queen Roger points at Brad again]
Queen Roger: I'm talkin' meat on meat.
Queen Roger: Bodies Slamming.
Brad: Excuse me.
Queen Roger: 1st, 2nd, 3rd, and 4th base, baby.
[Queen Roger points at Brad again]
Queen Roger: Homeruns, Brad.
Queen Roger: And aaaaalllllllllll the fouls in-between...
Queen Roger: I'm sure you know all about that.
Brad: Enough.
[Brad looks down]
Brad: Maybe this was a bad idea.
Queen Roger: What's a bad idea?
[Looks up at Queen Roger]
Brad: You being here.
Queen Roger: ...
Queen Roger: Whoa.
Queen Roger: I didn't realize it was such a sensitive subject.
Brad: No. I- it's just that-
Queen Roger: No no no no, don't worry.
Queen Roger: I hear ya loud and clear. Sex talk is off limits.
Queen Roger: ...
Queen Roger: Shit's over-rated anyway.
[Queen Roger points at Brad again]
Queen Roger: With all these mags lying around, all you boys have gotten so good at blasting off your little rockets, who needs-
Queen Roger: ...Sorry.
[A faint gust of wind is heard]
Queen Roger: Ooo...
Queen Roger: Kinda chilly.
Queen Roger: ...
Queen Roger: You know...
Queen Roger: It's nights like these that are great for cuddling.
Queen Roger: All that body heat... So cozy...
Queen Roger: Nothing sexual of course! Just...Feeling safe in someone's arms.
Queen Roger: Or making someone feel safe in your arms...
Queen Roger: Nice meaty arms...
Queen Roger: You know what I mean?
Brad: ...
Queen Roger: ...No? Nothing?
Queen Roger: ...Fuckin' Hell...
Queen Roger: What about a hug?
Queen Roger: I know you're shy, old, ugly, and angry.
Queen Roger: But come on, pal.
Queen Roger: You've at least been hugged before right?
Brad: ...
Queen Roger: RIGHT?!
Brad: ...
Brad: ... Well.
[Brad looks down]
Brad: A long time ago, almost...
Brad: One of my karate students got close one time...
Brad: ...but he was...swiftly punished.
Brad: ...
Brad: Oh.
Brad: And well... Budd-
[Brad blushes in embarrassment]
Brad: ...someone else I've been... mentoring.
Brad: She- They...
Brad: ...eventually learned discipline as well.
Queen Roger: Oh fuck, pal.
Brad: It's just... in the world of martial arts, respect comes first...
Brad: If a master doesn't maintain respect, it doesn't matter how good his teachings are. No one will listen.
Queen Roger: Sure, whatever, sounds... wonderful...
Queen Roger: ...
Brad: ... Hm.
[Brad lies down]
[Another faint gust of wind is heard]
Queen Roger: I don't know much, fatman. But I know two things very well.
Queen Roger: One.
Queen Roger: I've been staring the whole time, and I have to admit.
Queen Roger: I'm jealous of your nice juicy tits.
Queen Roger: ...
Queen Roger: And two.
Queen Roger: Being held by someone you love is the best feeling in the entire universe.
Queen Roger: It's important, pal.
Queen Roger: I mean it.
Queen Roger: These men out here. All this strength. This power. Your respect...
Queen Roger: You can't take it with you when you die.
Queen Roger: It won't save you.
Queen Roger: It doesn't matter how powerful you are. No ideas matter, no experience matters.
Queen Roger: None of that shit that's consumed you your whole life matters. You're completely naked in the face of death.
Queen Roger: It's terrifying.
Queen Roger: Now, a good hug. That matters.
Queen Roger: Honestly, it ain't gonna change much...
Queen Roger: Dead is dead.
Queen Roger: But the way I see it.
Queen Roger: You can die afraid. Lost in your own mind. Haunted by the guilt of all your mistakes.
Queen Roger: Tormenting nightmares wondering what comes next.
Queen Roger: Or...
Queen Roger: You can be in the moment with someone you love.
Queen Roger: Someone that makes you feel like nothing else matters.
Queen Roger: Nothing could be more important than feeling each other's warmth and love.
Queen Roger: No thinking. Just feeling.
Queen Roger: To be held by you again my dear...
[Queen Roger looks up into the sky]
Queen Roger: I could truly die in peace...
Queen Roger: Ahh, shit.
[Looks at Brad]
Queen Roger: I guess you fell asleep.
[Points at Brad again]
Queen Roger: Fucker, I was on a roll.
Queen Roger: ...
[Queen Roger lies down]
Queen Roger: Oh well.
Queen Roger: Good luck, Brad.
[The screen starts turning black]
Queen Roger: And don't stop rocking those wonderful man tits.

Brad and Mad Dog's "conversation"[]

(This scene only occurs in the Area 3 Crossroads campfire.)

[Mad Dog smells Brad while he sleeps]
Mad Dog: That smell.
[Mad Dog smells Brad again]
Mad Dog: ...
Mad Dog: Dog...
Mad Dog: ...
Mad Dog: Strong.
Mad Dog: ...
Mad Dog: ...
Mad Dog: ...
Mad Dog: Very dumb.
Mad Dog: ...
Mad Dog: You're my new son.
Mad Dog: Okay, Mad Dog?
Mad Dog: You must earn it.
Mad Dog: When I'm old.
Mad Dog: You take care of me.
Mad Dog: When I'm ready to die.
Mad Dog: We fight.
Mad Dog: YOU HAVE TO BEAT ME.
Mad Dog: Then you will eat me.
Mad Dog: A dog ina dog in a dog in a dog.
Mad Dog: Hellacious. Miserable cycle.
Mad Dog: Never stop.
Mad Dog: MAKE. US. MORE.
[Brad lifts his head]
Mad Dog: Madness is a small cost.
Mad Dog: For power greater than love.
[Brad sits up]
Brad: ...
Brad: Did you say something?
Brad: ...
Brad: Sorry, nevermind then.
[Brad lies down]
Mad Dog: Strength is our family.
[The screen starts panning down while the track "We've all consumed a bit of sugar" plays]
[Fog begins to appear and disappear, bones become visible in the ground, a deer arrives and jumps down the cliff]
[Skulls appear at the bottom of the cliff as this message appears]
Mad Dog: I love you...
Mad Dog: ...but I really have to go.
[A Marty Spider with Brad's smiling face walks across the ground]
[Brad wakes up with the Scared and Rage status effects, Mad Dog has the Blind status effect]

Crisp, RT and Fly's conversation[]

Fly: I'm telling you, Brad is becoming more and more unhinged.
Fly: He STILL hasn't shown me his cart racing tricks.
Fly: He hasn't even mentioned cart racing once since I joined! I'm starting to think his victory was a total fluke!
Fly: Cheating bastard...
RT: His smell. It ain't Right.
RT: It's the wrong kind of stink, if you know what I mean...
Fly: I do. Trust me I do.
RT: That settles it.
RT: You should stab him.
RT: Duffie's got plenty of stabbables to share.
Fly: Are you crazy?
Fly: Forget stabbing, I should shoot him-
Fly: BLOO BLOO BLOO!
Fly: Right in his shiny bald head.
Fly: It's just. If I'm being honest, he seems kinda...
Fly: Unstoppable.
RT: Nobody is unstoppable.
Fly: That's not what I said!
???: You're both right.
[Crisp appears.]
Crisp: He's nearly unstoppable...
Crisp: But certainly stoppable...
Crisp: Slayable, if you will.
Fly: Whoa, okay man, don't get excited...
Fly: We're just messing around.
Crisp: I don't think you are.
Crisp: This business with the girl has gone out of hand.
Crisp: Combined with the way he treats people like resources. Using us like pawns.
Crisp: This is what he does with his allies?
Crisp: I can only imagine how he treats his enemies.
Fly: To be fair... he has been willing to sacrifice a lot for some of us.
Crisp: For what reason?
Crisp: Does he really care about you?
Or is it a small sacrifice for his bigger goal?
RT: Hmmmm.
[RT brings out Duffie]
RT: Duffie and I are interested... Now get to the point, swordsman.
Crisp: From what I can tell, we aren't the only ones getting sick of him...
Crisp: I think most of these guys are staying in this gang to get a chance to get at that poor girl.
Crisp: They aren't planning ahead. No planning or guidance. No real leadership.
Crisp: This is chaos.
Crisp: It's sad really... To think this Brad fellow was once an accomplished martial artist...
Crisp: Tch. Could have fooled me. This group lacks morals.
Crisp: Honor.
Crisp: Discipline!
Fly: Okay, pal. You're starting to lose me.
Crisp: ...What I'm saying is...
Crisp: Maybe he does care about that girl...
Crisp: But it's very hard to separate this group from any other gang of common bandits in Olathe.
Crisp: What is the endgame goal here?
Crisp: Is there one?
RT: ...
Fly: ...
Crisp: It's no small feat to be the ones shaping the future...
Crisp: I hope we are ready for this.

Buckets' "conversation"[]

[Buckets leaves the scene.]
Buckets wanders off into the night while the gang sleeps...
[A gunshot is heard, then Buckets comes back.]

(Buckets comes back having either lost or won, randomly.)

Buckets gambled and lost 49 mags... [If lost.]

TBA [If won.]

Beastborn's "conversation"[]

[Beastborn leaves the scene.]
Beastborn wanders off into the night while the gang sleeps...
[Beastborn comes back later, throwing a bag on the ground.]

(The bag contains a random meat item, or a nugget.)

Tiger Man's "conversation"[]

[Tiger Man leaves the scene.]
Tiger Man wanders off into the night while the gang sleeps...
[Blade sounds are heard.]

(Tiger Man receives some EXP.)

Geese's "conversation"[]

[Geese leaves the scene.]
Geese wanders off into the night while the gang sleeps...
[Geese comes back later, throwing a bag on the ground.]

(The bag contains a random meat item, along with a rhyming note. The contents of the note imply the meat belonged to a human.)

Carp, Dick and Bo's "conversation"[]

[While Bo plays his guitar, Dick, Carp and Widdly 2 Diddly are seen partying. If Widdly 2 Diddly's suicide has been witnessed, he will be absent].
[The next morning several bottles are on the ground. Having not slept well, Brad isn't healed.]
You don't feel very well-rested...

Nern and Brad's "conversation"[]

Nern: Brad.
Nern: Braaaaaad.
Nern: Wake up.
Nern: Wake up, Brad.
Nern: Brad, It's important.
Nern: Something I remembered about Olathe.
Nern: Something about our past...
[Brad looks ahead]
Nern: There you are!
Nern: Now that you are awake I must remind you.
Nern: It's mighty rude to fall asleep in the middle conversation, Brad.
Nern: Next time just tell me if you tired. I'd surely understand!
Nern: I'm not one for wasting people's time!
Nern: Hoho!
Nern: More Importantly.
Nern: I was getting to the point of everything we discussed earlier tonight.
Nern: I have theory, Brad.
Nern: Based on all of my research...
Nern: And based on the fact that we know at least one female still exists.
Nern: Or shoud I say, is alive. For now I suppose.
Nern: Based on all this, I believe...
Nern: ...
Nern: That women...
Nern: ...
Nern: An by the way, before you pass any judgement.
Nern: I have to add that I've done a Ton of research.
Nern: Life after The Flash has been... totally surreal.
Nern: Honestly, NONE of this makes any sense.
Nern: And the more I hang around you, Brad. The worse it gets!
Nern: I'm really starting to wonder if you've taken so many of those drugs that you're starting to become a drug yourself!
Nern: I've started to see and feel very weird things around you...
Nern: Scary...
Nern: But hard to resist, I must say...
Nern: In fact...
Nern: I'm stating to notice that the light reflects off of your shiny head in the same way it reflects off of a joy pill.
Nern: Could this be a connection?
Nern: Or is that just how light reflecs off of perfectly round surfaces?
Nern: Hmm...
[ Brad looks down and looks ahead]
Nern: I'm sorry, Brad!
Nern: Hoho!
Nern: I got lost in thought!
Nern: All this and speculation is beneath you.
Nern: Dry, Plain, direct information-that's what you're all about!
Nern: I knew I pinned you right as a history buff, my boy!
Nern: and history waits for no one!
Nern: Recording history, learning from history , building whole societies off of tales of facts!
Nern: Sometimes fiction...
Nern: That's why it's more important than ever to discuss and record these wild times!
Nern: If only the wasteland had some type on... Magazine of... Information.
Nern: ...
Nern: Oh wow.
Nern: I just had a serious mind blast!
["Salvation!" has started]
Nern: Do you remember newspaper, Brad?
Nern: I do.
Nern: I never read them, but I did always keep them.
Nern: In fact I collected them.
Nern: Do you know why?
Nern: Do you know why, Brad?
Nern: You'll never guess, but I''ll give you a chance.
["Salvation!" Stops]
Nern: Coupons, Brad!
["Salvation!" has started]
Nern: I loved coupons!
Nern: I mean heck. It's why I married my trough suckin' sife in the first place, God rest her soul, she loved coupons almost as much as me!
Nern: I had stacks and stacks of newspapers. All full of coupons!
Nern: Each newspaper had anywhere from 1 to 5 coupons in each issue. And newspapers 1 time a week!
Nern: On a good month you could ner 25 to 200 coupons a month it you factored in my private horde!
Nern: I tell you what, Brady Boy. If I could have just one thing from The Flash... Just one things...
Nern: It would be newspapers...
Nern: I'd love to wake up at a campfire with a tight wadded little newspaper all rolled up... just waiting for me...
Nern: Squeeeeezed togeter by a bouncy rubber band that's just barely too tight...
Nern: Pages ready to bursr out... coupons begging to be drenched in my penny pinching gaze...
Nern: Golly, I'd trade the filthiest of mags for one last newspaper...
Nern: Hell, I'd cut my own arm off for a newspaper. May be of 'em!
Nern: Ohhhhh, gracious me I had so many dailies.
Nern: Oh, right. You're uninitiated...
Nern: Us in the CCC. "Coupon Collecting Community".
Nern: We would call newspapers Dailies for short.
Nern: Newsies. Papers. Newspaps. The Rag. The weeklies.
Nern: Hmmm...
Nern: The news.
Nern: And for coupons! We would call them Clips.
Nern: Clippies. Clippings. Discount Documents. Thrift Tickets. Bargain BIlls... A Legal License to Loot. Certificates to Save...
Nern: Hoooo! Those folks taught me a lot about couponing...
Nern: I'm embarrassed to admit, but did you know when I would go to the supermarket I would bring all my newspapers from home?
Nern: I'd fill a whole cart with just newspapers full of coupons every time I went!
Nern: Hoho!
Nern: One day a woman came up to me while I was shopping and handed me a pair of scissors and said "You should buy these scissors".
Nern: In my head I said "You should mind your own business!"
Nern: But in the moment I ended up saying, "Shut the fuck up you scissor paddling hag. Can't you see I'm busy having a bad day?"
Nern: She ignored that and took the time to explain to me that I could "clip" the coupons and leave the worthless newspapers behind!
Nern: WOW!
Nern: What a woman! I ended up marrying her!
Nern: Turns out you can be rude to whoever you want and still find love! You just need to keep being mean until you find that special someone patient enough to tolerate it.
Nern: What I’m saying is…
Nern: Well…
[“Salvation!” Stops]
Nern: Um, hey.. sorry, Brad.. it’s just…
Nern: My eyes have adjusted to the dark now and…
Nern: well, Not to be rude, but…
Nern: you have a lot of blood on you. In your beard… on your clothes… you smell like blood too…
Nern: It’s just… it…
[“Salvation!” Starts]
Nern: It reminds me of a childhood friend…
Nern: Rodney Donkhausen.
Nern: Red Rod we called him!
Nern: …
Nern: Or was it Rad Rod?
Nern: …
Nern: That’s right! Rad Rod! Because his red hair was so radical!
Nern: Hoho!
Nern: I have so many great stories to share about that goof…
Nern: but those will have to wait for another time.
[“Salvation!” Stops]
Nern: All this back and fourth has got me tuckered out. Nern: I should get some rest…
[Nern lays his head down next to Brad]
[Brad lays his head down as well]
[Nern lifts up his head]
Nern: Good thinking, Brad… getting some winks in, too…
Nern: sleep is…
Nern: …important…
[Nern presumably drifts off to sleep]
[Nern lifts up his head]
Nern: Why, in the ‘foretimes, i’d rest 13, 17 hours a day! hoho!
Nern: Of course, that was…
Nern: …back when…
[Nern drifts off to sleep again]
Nern: …mahogany…
[Nern lifts up his head]
Nern: What was I just talking about?
Nern: Oh yeah… …Rad Rod…
Nern: … rude and red, he was! Hoho!
Nern: …just like my…
[Nern’s head leans forward]
Nern: …slop’ sippin’…
Nern: …coupon clippin’…
[Nern presumably falls back to sleep]
[Brad lifts up his head and then lies back down]
[The screen begins to fade to black]
[Nern wakes up with a startled noise, the screen going back to normal]
Nern: By forknight’s heaving bosom! What is THAT?!?
Nern: Ah… sorry, Brad, I swear I just felt a spider crawling on my face.
Nern: Must've just been a twitch of the ol’ mustache whiskers! Hoho!
Nern: You know, i’m surprised you’re still awake, Brad.
Nern: Well, since you’re having trouble turning in anyway…
Nern: I s’pose you wouldn’t mind hearing just a bit more about ol’ Roddy would you?
[A more sped up and pitched version of “Salvation!” Starts.]
Nern: I remember it was 40-something years ago…
Nern: And it was! Hoho!
Nern: Rod shook me awake, big mane of red hair whipping to and fro…
Nern: “hooo boy!” He’s shouting, shaking like a leaf-blower! “I found it… how the world… got so… arsed up…”
Nern: He’s too close to my face, mind, and the way he’s talking is annoying me…
Nern: Kinda erratic… and what kind of person says “arsed” in the heat of the moment !?
Nern: “Arssseedd…” see! It feels weird for me to say it even now! Hoho!
Nern: Plus I can feel his spittle on my smooth chin! I shouldn't have shaved that day…
Nern: Not that I could ever grow much of a beard…
Nern: Anyways, obviously this has got me intrigued!
Nern: His hair being so long, i mean, how did he do that?
Nern: I’ll admit it, I’ve always been jealous of a good mop. Sturdy follicles escaped me, even then…
Nern: And that Rascally Rod knew it! That wasn't the first time he's shoved those thick strands in my face like that!
Nern: Hrmm, now when was that first time…
Nern: Must have been… 20 or 50 years ago.
Nern: …
Nern: who's really counting? Just picture yourself as a child.
Nern: 5, 6, 26 years old.
Nern: …
Nern: who’s really counting!? Just picture a much younger brad.
Nern: …
Nern: …
Nern: …
Nern: …
Nern: Now that you’re in a childlike state of mind, picture me as a child.
Nern: Exactly 8 and a half hears old. Wrinkleless and energetic I was, hoho!
Nern: It was the summer of ‘80! … ‘90…? Summer of ‘98?
Nern: Son of an empty headed bitch! What year was it?
Nern: Ah! Forget it! I’m not big on details anyway. You’re just going to have to deal with that, Brad.
Nern: Now please dont interrupt me.
Nern: … where was I…
Nern: oh right! Hoho!
Nern: It was my first time going over to Rad Rods house!
Nern: Now I was the kind of kid who usually kept to himself, you know,
Nern: Never been the best at talking with people. Can’t come up with enough to say! You underatand.
Nern: But i’d worked up the courage at that point to brave a sleepover.
Nern: So I get over to the Rodsters place, and I knock three times… but it isn’t my pal who answers the door!
Nern: Well I thought it was rod at first, that mess of ginger on top…
Nern: But the hair kept on flowing down! Long, beautiful locks… by golly!
Nern: It was some kinda foxy babe!
Nern: A tomato-headed slice of juicy fruit!
Nern: …
Nern: Or is it a vegetable? Are tomatoes fruits or veggies?
Nern: Either way. She was a seven!
Nern: Maybe even an 8 if she came with some garlic bread! hoho!
Nern: Hair so saucy you could eat it!
Nern: Hohoho!
Nern: Was that redhot readhead Rods snack of a sister or his dish of a mom? Its one of the mysteries I ponder in the rare moments I get to myself these days…
Nern: But you can bet your spaghetti she showed up in my dreams that night! hoho!
Nern: That is, until Rad Rod, the carrot-topped bastard…
Nern: shook me awake in the middle of the night!
Nern: Exactly how you interrupted my sleep just now to talk about discounts and girls and junk.
Nern: He kept on babbling on and on about seeing the “Polka Dot Man” right outside his window.
Nern: He was so close to my face, I couldn’t bear it. Our prepubescent whiskers were practically touching!
Nern: The scent of his dumb kid breath sent tingles of disgust down my spine!
Nern: Whats that? You dont remember the Polka Dot Man? That old urban legend about the greasy guy in the suit creeping around at night?
Nern: Yeah, he had a polka dot tie or something… who cares, thats not the point.
Nern: The point is it was just typical Radical Rodney
Nern: Vying for attention…
Nern: thats why we called him Needy ‘Ney. He ALWAYS had to be the focal point.
Nern: Constantly, embellishing things.
Nern: People like that… I swear…
[“Salvation!” Stops]
Nern: Anyway, Brad…
Nern: All of this camaraderie is nice and all
Nern: But i’d appreciate it if you respected my time a bit more going forward.
[Brad and Nern finally fall asleep]

Brad and Ollie's "conversation"[]

Ollie: So, what do you think, Brad?
Ollie: You wanna be a new investor in my new hair care company?
Ollie: We can do hair degreasers, hair greasers, combs--
[Music starts playing followed by an explosion]
Ollie: What the...
[The Bill Collectors appears between explosions]
Bill Pisster: We are the Bill Collectors!
Bill Pisster: We are here to assess your outstanding debts!
Ollie: uh oh.
Bill Pisster: Who is Oliver "Olive" Nickels?
[No one moves]
Bill Pisster: I said wich one of you is Ollie!
[Ollie turns side to side nervous]
Bill Pisster: Damnit!
Bill Pisster: I can't tell these two apart.
Bill Pisster: The client said Ollie is supposed to be fat, balding and sweaty...
Bill Pisster: both these clowns fit that description!
Bill Pisster: Enough games!
Bill Pisster: Wichever one of you is Ollie needs to come forward right now!
Bill Pisster: This is serious!
Bill Pisster: You have over 243 outstanding debts with numerous clients!
Ollie: 243?!
Ollie: Holy ham in a heavenly holiday! I thought it was only 7!
[Brad turns to Ollie]
Ollie: Brad!
Ollie: Our goose is greased!
Ollie: And we are about to get cooked!
[Brad turns to Big Ladle Billy, runs towards The Bill collectors and starts a fight, in the fight you have your actual team]
[After the fight, The Bill Collectors falls of the place with an explosion]
Ollie: Golly, brad!
Ollie: You have saved my feathers from a serious plucking...
Ollie: I owe ya!
[The campfire turns off]
"As a token of his appreciation. Ollie offered you the best and only gift he had."
"A firm handshake."
[In the background sounds a grassy sound]
"It was the sweatiest, greasiest handshake you ever received."
"And worst of all..."
"...It was nowhere near firm like intended."

Rage, Sonny and Shocklord's "conversation"[]

Sonny: I'm telling ya, brother.
Sonny: EWC is go belly up in 2 months, tops.
Sonny: No good rotten outlaw angles that cater to the worst types of fans!
Sonny: Roster of inexperienced effeminate pasty child-bodied bad-attitudeed sacks of egg sucking dogs!
Sonny: Couldn't put on a believable match if their whole DING-DONG life depend on it!
Sonny: The second I heard they left Death queen lose the streak i knew all credibility in this business went right out the fucking window.
Sonny: Nothing is sacred anymore, old buddy...
[Rage turns back to Sonny]
Rage: Let me tell you something, Shoot and hoot.
Rage: If we had our own promotion. Every match would be chaos. Nonstop action and insanity.
Rage: All highly choreographed and planed out ahead-of-time obviuosly.
Rage: We could work in all kind of crazy spots.
Rage: Flips off of flaming furniture.
Rage: 5 hour long matches with no breaks.
Rage: And lots of juice, seas of blood.
Rage: Aye! I bet we could convince brad to cut off a limb for a sell job!
Rage: He seems cool with that kinda stuff!
Rage: Oh, but we gotta work on the outfits.
Rage: EWC with all those glittery sparkles... The flamboyance. It's just ridiculous.
Sonny: Slow down, good brother.
Sonny: Sequing and pageantry are the backbone of our business!
Sonny: Don't you forget it!
Shocklord: i'd have to agree, big dude.
Shocklord: We can't just cater to the key demographic. If we want to grow, we need more of a universal appeal.
Shocklord: We need to think beyond the ring.
Shocklord: We don't need knowledgeable wrestlers.
Shocklord: We just need interesting people.
Shocklord: More one-dimensional superstars and storylines that don't challenge anywone's intelect.
Shocklord: We could even run charity events to garner good public relations!
Shocklord: Maybe even some magic and mysticism!
Shocklord: Everyone knows this all is fake.
Shocklord: so what's the point of even trying to show any respect to "the business"?
Sonny: ....
Sonny: Did you... just say...
Sonny: Fake?...
Sonny: FAKE?
Sonny: FAAAAKE?!
Sonny: DO these quadriceps look fake for you?
Sonny: Does this beloved dead animal on my head look fake?
Sonny: You think the voices in my head are fake?!
[Gary The Hot Soup comes from the right side of the screen]
Gary: FUCK YOU SHOCKLOOOOORD!
Gary: [Clapping] FUCK YOU SHOCKLOOOOORD!
[Gary The Hot Soup hides]
Shocklord: Woooah.
Shocklord: Soften up, big dude.
Shocklord: I didn't mean it like that.
Sonny: LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING, BROTHER!
Sonny: Does this feel FAKE to you?!
[Rage, Sonny and Gary The Hot Soup bounces against to Shocklord and the screen fades off]

(After this, ONLY Rage ends has 1 HP)

Missing characters[]

For some reason Ajeet, Rooster, Harvey, Buffalo and Yazan don't have any campfire conversations.