Nern Guan

Nern
The self proclaimed historian of his time. He talks a lot.
Party Member
Full Name	Nern Xiao Guan
Nickname	Nern
Class	Orator
Gameplay
Equip Types
Weapon Types	Handgun / Six Shooter
Armor Types	Accessory / Shawl / Small Shield / Bald
Skill Types	Topics / Powers
Traits
Target Rate	100%
Evasion	5%
Hit Rate	95%
Crit Chance	4%
Features

"Oh hello there! My name is Nern. I'm considered the greatest historian of our time... I've gathered a wealth of knowledge about Olathe and what happened here. Many tales... Would you like to hear? Hmm... I wish you were more enthusiastic... Oh well, I'll tell you anyway. Let's see.... Oh right! It all started with what I like to call, THE FLASH. I was sitting with my wife, god rest her soul, sipping on sweet lemon tea. I believe it was homemade by my sweet wife, God rest her soul. Or wait... Maybe she bought it from the store in a bottle. You know, like a plastic bottle? Well hold on now, that would be ridiculous to buy a bottle of sweet lemon tea, then transfer the contents into a glass. Why not just drink it from the bottle? I guess maybe so she could put ice in the glass? But then again, making tea homemade would be just as time consuming, if not more! That sneaky bitch... Anyway, I'll save that story for later! So, I'm sitting on my porch drinking sweet lemon tea. From a glass of course, ho ho! When suddenly... A great strangeness fills my body... Something was wrong... I've lived many years, and I've never felt something like this before. Do you know what it was? Yup! It was my rocking chair! That wooden son of a gun stopped rocking! So I looked down and realized a little rock had gotten caught beneath my chair! A rock under my rocking chair! What a day! I decided it was time for bed, I had had a little bit too much excitement for one day! Hoho! I slid into my jammies, brushed my teeth, and said my prayers. As I was climbing into bed I noticed my wife, God rest her soul, brushing her hair in the bathroom. As I peered across the hall my body swelled up with emotion... Why can't I be married to an attractive woman? Is it me? My bank account? I'm a tall guy, I workout forty minutes a week... Is that not enough? Now my neighbor at the time, Tom Forknight, was very short. His wife, Karen Forknight-Plateburger... Yeah, one of THOSE women. Well, she was more attractive than my wife. I'd say she was a soft six, whereas my wife was a hard four. What's the deal? I thought women liked tall men? Why was Karen with him? Anyway my horse of a wife, God rest her soul, crawled into bed next to me. She decided to leave the bedside light on so she could read her book. It was one of her romance novels again... Give me a break... As if I don't already feel inadequate enough... Not only do I have to compete with Tom, now I have to deal with these fictional hunks! Ay yai yai! At this point I had already suppressed the urges of intimacy, I rolled over and tried to sleep. Her bedside light was only of minor annoyance. I was able to drift off... Then I woke up to a big flash of light. That's about it. I can tell by the way you're walking away that you don't want to leave... If you really want to hear another story I'll tell you. Once upon a hot summer night. Sometime in July... Was it July? My local grocery store sells really good eggs in July. I don't know why. Do chickens operate better in heat? Fireworks maybe? I don't know. I don't want to get off topic. Point is, the eggs that Summer were marvelous! Anyway, my wife and I, God rest her soul, went to a BBQ that night. It was held at Dale Spooner's house. Well, his backyard... Conny Spooner doesn't want people in her home, I think she's just an uptight bitch. So at this BBQ I see none other than... That's right, Tom Forknight... Now earlier in the day my wife, God rest her soul, had made potato salad for the BBQ. Personally I hate potato salad, I'm a mashed kind of fellow. Hoho! So I sat in the TV room avoiding her till the BBQ. Once we were at the party, I made sure to distance myself from my dumb potato bitch wife. God rest her soul, I just didn't want anyone to think I would associate with someone that would bring a potato salad! Anyway, Tom and his above mediocre wife were already there. And get this, they brought a fruit salad! With whipped cream! The nerve of those Forknights! Needless to say I gave my wife, God rest her soul, a couple choice words About whipped cream! Versus potato salad! God dammit! Son of a bitch! A real tongue lashing! Geez, you're kind of smothering me. I'll talk to you later."

―Nern

Nern is one of the first Party Members Brad can invite to his party. Found on Nern's Cliff, to the west of the Mountain, he is a man who likes to talk about himself and the past.

He is an excellent support party member for a large amount of the game and provides a lot of restoration Topics for the gang, being able to restore HP, SP and TP in large amounts while holding his own with offensive skills.

Being a librarian, he is a character who provides a lot of exposition, along with the history of Olathe and the White Flash.

Background

Name: Nern Xiao Guan

Fighting Art: Gunman

Past Occupation: Librarian

Likes: The view from his porch

Favorite Food: Whipped Cream

Most Hated Thing: Dale Spooner

The annoying neighbor next door. Blessed with the gift of gab, cursed by the same gift. His parents emigrated from China.

Appearance

Nern Xiao Guan is a relatively tall man of Chinese descent, with black hair styled into a Queue, and (from his artwork) rough facial features, such as his prominent cheekbones, he also possesses facial hair in the form of a mustache. He wears a large green shawl, and black pants, as well as a red scrunchie at the end of his Queue.

Personality

Nern's personality is best described as annoying, as he ceaselessly talks about personal things from his life, such as his wife, God rest her soul, and his neighbors and past life. Despite saying the words "God rest her soul" in regards to his wife, he seems to hate her with a passion.

As a self-proclaimed historian, Nern provides some exposition on the mysterious White Flash, describing it as a sudden "bright light" which brought an end to society in Olathe.

How to Invite to Party

Nern is located at Nern's Cliff west of the Mountain, through the bottom left door in the Area 1 Crossroads. This door is the one located under the word "Let's" in the graffiti "Let's find her". The player must speak to Nern and say they will listen to his story. He will go on a long tale about his wife, and sweet lemon tea. after he finishes the player must walk away which will make him tell another story. return the way you came and you will find Nern again, or rather, he will find you. He joins your party after another story. It is recommended to save after finding him, in order to prevent sitting through his stories again.

Battle

Nern is a fairly useful support ally; in addition to healing HP and inducing fear and sleep, he has the unique abilities to also recover SP and TP. This means that Nern is capable of replenishing his own SP endlessly, so he can use his support moves for even the longest of battles.

However, Nern isn't entirely a support character, as Nern has Finger Beam attacks; though, they do low to medium damage. And, unlike most support characters, Nern can only inflect minor debuffs like Sleep or Scared on an enemy, and not give allies positive status effects- nor remove harmful ones. Furthermore, as said before, all of Nern's skills are single target.

Skills

Skill Name	Description	Level Learned	MP Cost
Shoot	Damages the enemy.	1	0
Finger Beam	A concentration of energy blasted from the finger.	8	15
Finger Beam 2	A concentration of energy blasted from the finger.	14	20
Finger Beam 3	A concentration of energy blasted from the finger.	18	25
Finger Beam 4	A concentration of energy blasted from the finger.	19	30
Finger Beam 5	A concentration of energy blasted from the finger.	23	35
Finger Beam 6	A concentration of energy blasted from the finger.	25	40

Topics

Skill Name	Description	Level Learned	MP Cost
Discuss Techniques	Tell your friend some of your favorite techniques. Increases TP of one ally.	1	10
Discuss Powers	Tell your friend some of your Superhero moves. Increases SP of one ally.	4	15
Ghost Story	Tell a spooky tale to induce fear...	6	22
Discuss Health	Tell your friends about the importance of health. Increases HP of one ally.	12	20
Insult	Say something unsavory to induce a blind rage.	15	10
True Ghost Story	Tell a very spooky tale to induce fear...	16	38
Bore	Drone on about something no one cares about. Often puts people to sleep.	17	30
Dirty Insult	Say something very unsavory to induce a blind rage.	20	12
Really Bore	Drone on about something REALLY dumb. Often puts people to sleep.	21	50

Statistics

Statistics analysis

Core Statistics
Level	HP	SP	ATK	DEF	SATK	SDEF	AGI	LUCK
2	387	94	12	12	21	16	25	30

Battle Quotes

Win Quotes	Level Quotes	Drop Quotes
Rot in Hell, Dale Spooner... My sweet wife, God rest her soul... Okay, back to my story!	That's one for the books!	Sweet lemon tea!

Campfire Dialogue

Brad, Braaaad, wake up Brad, it’s important. Something I remembered about Olathe. Something about our past… There you are! Now that you are awake I must remind you. It’s mighty rude to fall asleep in the middle of a conversation, Brad. Next time just tell me if you’re tired. I’d surely understand! I’m not one for wasting people’s time. Hoho!  

More importantly. I was getting to the point of everything we discussed earlier tonight. I have a theory, Brad. Based on all of my research… and based on the fact that we know at least one female exists. Or should i say, is alive. For now I suppose. Based on all of this, I believe… … That women… … and by the way, before you pass any judgement. I have to add that I’ve done a TON of research, life after the flash has been… totally surreal. Honestly, NONE of this makes any sense. And the more I hang around you, Brad. The worse it gets! I’m really starting to wonder if you’ve taken so many of those drugs that you’re starting to become a drug yourself!

I’ve started to see and feel very weird things around you… scary… but hard to resist I must say… in fact… i’m starting to notice that the light reflects off of your shiny head in the same way it reflects off of a Joy pill. Could this be a connection? Or is that just how light reflects off of perfectly round surfaces. Hmmm…

Im sorry, Brad! Hoho! I got lost in thought! All of this mysticism and speculation is beneath you. Dry, plain, direct information- thats what you're all about! I knew I pinned you right as a history buff, my boy! And history waits for no one! Recording history, learning from history, building whole societies off of tales of facts. Sometimes fiction… thats why it’s s more important than ever to discuss and record these wild times! If only the wasteland has some type of… magazine of… information. …

oh wow. I just had a serious mind blast! Do you remember newspapers, Brad? I do. I never read them but i did always keep them. In fact I collected them. Do you know why?

Do you know why, Brad? You’ll never guess, but i’ll give you a chance.

Coupons, Brad! I loved coupons! I mean heck its why i married my trough suckin’ wife in the first place, God rest her soul, she loved coupons almost as much as me! I had stacks and stacks of newspapers. All full of coupons! Each newspaper had anywhere from 1 to 5 coupons in each issue. And newspapers came 1 time a week! On a good month you could net 25 to 200 coupons a month if you factored in my private horde! I tell you what, Brady boy. If I could have just one thing from before the flash… just one thing… it would be newspapers… i’d love to wake up at a campfire with a tight wadded little newspaper all rolled up… just waiting for me… squeeeeezed together by a bouncy rubber band that’s just barely too tight… pages ready to burst out… coupons begging to be drenched in my penny pinching gaze… golly, i’d trade the filthiest of mags for one last newspaper.

Hell i’d cut my own arm off for a newspaper. Maybe even both of ‘em! Ohhhhh, gracious me I had so many dailies. Oh, right, you’re uninitiated…

Us in the CCC “Coupon Collecting Community”. We would call newspapers Dailies for short. Newsies. Papers. Newspaps. The Rag. The Weeklies. Hmmm… The News. And for coupons! We would call them Clips. Clippies. Clippings. Discount Documents. Thrift Tickets. Bargain Bills… a Legal License to Loot… Certificates to Save… hoooo! Those folks taught me a lot about couponing… i’m embarrassed to admit, but did you know when I would go to the supermarket I would bring all my newspapers from home! I’d fill a whole cart with newspapers full of coupons every time I went!

Hoho! One day a woman came up to me while I was shopping and handed me a pair of scissors and said “you should buy these scissors.” In my head I said “you should mind your own business!” But in the moment I ended up saying “shut the fuck up you scissor peddling hag. Can’t you see i’m busy having a bad day?” She ignored that and took the time to explain to me that I could “clip” the coupons and leave the worthless newspapers behind! WOW! What a woman! I ended up marrying her! Turns out you can be rude to whoever you want and still find love! You just need to keep being mean until you find that special someone patient enough to tolerate it.

What I’m saying is… well… um, hey.. sorry, Brad.. it’s just… my eyes have adjusted to the dark now and… well, not to be rude, but… you have a lot of blood on you. In your beard… on your clothes… you smell like blood too… its just… it … it reminds me of a childhood friend…

Rodney Donkhausen. Red Rod we called him! … or was it Rad Rod? … that’s s right! Rad Rod! Because his red hair was so radical! Hoho! I have so many great stories to share about that goof… but those will have to wait for another time.

All this back and fourth has got me tuckered out. I should get some rest…

Good thinking, Brad… getting some winks in, too… sleep is… …important… why, in the ‘foretimes, i’d rest 13, 17 hours a day! hoho! Of course, that was… …back when…

…mahogany…

What wasIi just talking about? Oh yeah… …Rad Rod… … rude and red, he was! Hoho! …just like my… …slop’ sippin’… …coupon clippin’…

By forknight’s heaving bosom! What is THAT?!? Ah… sorry, Brad, I swear I just felt a spider crawling on my face. Must've just been a twitch of the ol’ mustache whiskers! Hoho! You know, im surprised you’re still awake, Brad. Well, since you’re having trouble turning in anyway… i s’pose you wouldn’t mind hearing just a bit more about ol’ Roddy would you?

I remember it was 40-something years ago… and it was! Hoho! Rod shook me awake, big mane of red hair whipping to and fro… “hooo boy!” He’s shouting, shaking like a leaf-blower! “I found it… how the world… got so… arsed up…” he’s too close to my face, mind, and the way he’s talking is annoying me… kinda erratic… and what kind of person says “arsed” in the heat of the moment !?

“Arssseedd…” see! It feels weird for me to say it even now! Hoho! Plus I can feel his spittle on my smooth chin! I shouldn't have shaved that day… not that I could ever grow much of a beard… anyways, obviously this has got me intrigued! His hair being so long, i mean, how did he do that? I’ll admit it , I’ve always been jealous of a good mop. Sturdy follicles escaped me, even then… and that Rascally Rod knew it! That wasn't the first time he's shoved those thick strands in my face like that!

Hrmm, now when was that first time… must have been… 20 or 50 years ago. … who's really counting? Just picture yourself as a child. 5, 6, 26 years old. … who’s really counting!? Just picture a much younger brad. … … … … now that you’re in a childlike state of mind, picture me as a child. Exactly 8 and a half hears old. Wrinkleless and energetic I was, hoho!

It was the summer of ‘80! … ‘90…? Summer of ‘98? Son of an empty headed bitch! What year was it? Ah! Forget it! I’m not big on details anyway. You’re just going to have to deal with that, Brad. Now please dont interrupt me. … where was I… oh right! Hoho! It was my first time going over to Rad Rods house! Now I was the kind of kid who usually kept to himself, you know, never been the best at talking with people. Can’t come up with enough to say! You underatand. But i’d worked up the courage at that point to brave a sleepover.

So I get over to the Rodsters place, and I knock three times… but it isn’t my pal who answers the door! Well I thought it was rod at first, that mess of ginger on top… but the hair kept on flowing down! Long, beautiful locks… by golly! It was some kinda foxy babe! A tomato-headed slice of juicy fruit! … or is it a vegetable? Are tomatoes fruits or veggies? Either way. She was a seven! Maybe even an 8 if she came with some garlic bread! hoho! Hair so saucy you could eat it! Hohoho! Was that redhot read head Rods snack of a sister or his dish of a mom? Its one of the mysteries I ponder in the rare moments I get to myself these days… but you can bet your spaghetti she showed up in my dreams that night! hoho!

That is, until Rad Rod, the carrot-topped bastard… shook me awake in the middle of the night! Exactly how you interrupted my sleep just now to talk about discounts and girls and junk. He kept on babbling on and on about seeing the “Polka Dot Man” right outside his window. He was so close to my face, I couldn’t bear it. Our prepubescent whiskers were practically touching! The scent of his dumb kid breath sent tingles of disgust down my spine! Whats that? You dont remember the Polka Dot Man? That old urban legend about the greasy guy in the suit creeping around at night? Yeah, he had a polka dot tie or something… who cares, thats not the point. The point is it was just typical Radical Rodney vying for attention… thats why we called him Needy ‘Ney. He ALWAYS had to be the focal point. Constantly, embellishing things.

People like that… I swear… anyway, Brad… all of this camaraderie is nice and all… but i’d appreciate it if you respected my time a bit more going forward.

Default Equipment

• Weapon: Revolver
• Shield: Wood Shield
• Head: N/A
• Body: Dainty Shawl
• Accessory: N/A

Art

Tips

• Nern's "Discuss Powers" skill restores 30% SP, with a cost of 15 SP- he can use this skill on himself, meaning, if you are careful, you can have infinite SP and HP.
• Nern's Finger Beams use SATK instead of ATK, meaning that equipping him with better guns is mostly pointless, since you'll likely rarely be using his default shoot ability.

Trivia

• As Austin said in an interview, Nern Guan was supposed to be a reference to the name of the lead actor of the movie "Fight Among Supers".
• Nern's Finger Beam attack may reference Yusuke Urameshi's Spirit Gun attack from Yu Yu Hakusho.
• It is mentioned in his campfire conversation that he was 8 and a half somewhere between 1980 and 1998. In this same conversation, he mentions that this was 20-50 years ago, making it somewhat ambiguous.
• Nern has the longest quotes of any character on this wiki.